One minute things are as they always are. Happy, easy going and with no real thoughts about anything. Then in an instant, it changes.

Now you both aren’t talking. Well you talk but the words aren’t the same. They are short and given without intent to provide honest conversation. Even touching each other is awkward when it used to be natural. Almost as if you both forgot how its done.

Saying I love you now, is like giving in, when at a time like this, it is when it’s needed most. It’s been written that love meant never having to say you were sorry. Well men, that is not true.

Saying your sorry, especially when you feel that your side of the rift is the correct one, is the only way out of this mess. The problem is that it is always you that has to be the one to do it, in order for things to be normal again.

As hard as it is to always have to be the one to say “I’m sorry”, its even harder to live with the fact that you always give up what  you believe in just to keep the peace.

Maybe its just part of being a man. Maybe because our feelings can be hurt or we can be upset and then just move on. Start over when things are said and done like nothing happened. After all most men argue and then have a beer and its all forgotten. I guess it just isn’t that easy for women.

So now it’s just a matter of how long you decide to let this linger before you break the ice and clear the air, because you know she’s not going to do it. It’s really unfortunate that it has to come to this especially when you both know that the what caused this wasn’t even serious.

So with mop in hand, it’s time to clean up the mess you helped create.

Funny thing is that once its all cleaned up, it’s like it never happened. Back to hugs, back to kisses, back to meaningful conversation…..

Just one man’s opinion

The Regular Guy

“Age is only a number”! I used to hear that all the time when I was a kid and visited my relatives. The “older” ones, would always say things like that when they talked about getting old.

Something that has always fascinated me about age is when I look at my parents, no matter how old they were, they always seemed “old” to me. I can remember when my dad turned fifty and we gave him a party. I thought he was so old then. Now I think I must have been nuts to think that because I am that age now and I still feel like I am in my twenties. Probably how he felt then too.

A big part of aging is definitely a mental thing. Unless you are ill or in very bad shape, getting older happens so slowly that its hard to believe that you are old. I know this because when I look in the mirror, I see a very different version of the man I see in my head. If it wasn’t for reflections, I probably wouldn’t believe that I was indeed as old as I am. Getting older always seemed at least ten years away from where I am at.

I do however know what reality is. As a man, I know when I got old. Although I believed I knew when it happened, I wasn’t sure if it was just me who felt this way. That was until this past Saturday night, when a friend of mine mentioned to me the same thing I had believed was the measuring stick for when a man gets old.

He said that he knew he was old now because young girls don’t notice him anymore. When he said that I couldn’t believe it. He just said what I had thought was the reason I was old. I first noticed it when being in a bar. Girls would say “excuse me sir” when they needed to get past me. And worse yet, they didn’t even look at me when they said it. It used to be they would at least make eye contact with you. My friend said he realized it was happening about two years ago. We compared notes and both figured that for a guy, it was a true gauge to when we get old.

I sit in the chair and get my hair cut. The girl is maybe 36 yrs old and shes talking about meeting a guy. Her parameters are that he has hair, teeth and no more than forty because that would be too old. Wow, forty huh?? I laugh about it and say something and naturally she says that I don’t look my age but the point was already made. Forty seems to be the cut off to being young.

So my regular guy friends, get ready. Age will creep up on you and blindside you when you least expect it. One day shes cutting your hair and the next day she’s trimming your ear hair. Life’s funny like that. It takes hair from where you want it and puts it where you don’t.

So in reality, fifty ain’t so nifty but it’s better than the alternative. Anyway, by my calculations, I still have at least ten years until I…. get old.

The Regular Guy…

I just read yesterday in a current edition of Men’s Fitness magazine that men NEED to ejaculate at least 21 times a month in order to lower the risk of prostate cancer. Now unless you are a rock star or Tiger Woods, that just isn’t happening. My advice is to seek a prescription from your doctor, “once a day before or after meals” or just take matters into your own hands…..

So every one’s supposed to be monogamous, right? That’s the general rule when in a relationship, especially a marriage. So why then does monogamy seem so hard to make work?

In an earlier post I wrote about Tiger Woods past indiscretions. The other day I heard that Jesse James has been cheating on Sandra Bullock for some 11 months or so.

It’s funny that most  guys seem to take the “is he crazy, he cheated on Sandra Bullock” approach. Not quite the same response I heard from friends when Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Aniston, probably because it was with Angelina Jolie. Most guys gave him a pass for that, their thinking being he traded up! I especially love the celebrity marriages. Yeah, these always stand the test of time!

The point I am trying to make is these guys don’t cheat to be with someone “better” or “prettier”. Just look at the other woman in most public affairs that are uncovered. Most of those other women are downright gnarly looking. These men just get caught up in the celebrity that they are and ride the wave. Last week on WFAN radio in New York, Craig Carton spoke out about why he thinks these guys do what they do so often. He basically said that most men would do the same thing if they had such power of celebrity. That it is just too easy because women fall all over them and the power goes to their head and nothing else matters.

It basically boils down to ego and the rush you get from the attention you are being given. At some point in every guy’s life his relationship will be tested. The men that fail can not control their ego, and the wave they are riding. Nothing else matters to them, not then and especially  not later, no matter what they say when they get caught. That’s why these guys keep doing the same thing over and over. There isn’t a force on earth (other than drugs) that I know of that can make a man cheat. He makes the choice, plain and simple.

Monogamy only exists  for men who make the effort. The men who put other things from their relationship before their own ego. It also helps to have a partner who recognizes that our ego plays a large part in how satisfied we are sexually. Men need constant reminders that their partner is interested in them, excited by them and happy with them sexually. That is why so many men wind up cheating after children are brought into the relationship. They become ghosts to their partners, and at some point they find those things that they lost, in another woman. That’s probably why so many celebrity marriages fail so often. They spend so little time with each other that the men can’t get those constant reminders from their wife so they look elsewhere. Why these women who marry them can’t figure this out by now is a mystery to me. Perhaps she believes she is different and he would never do that to her, after all she is Sandra Bullock!

A friend of mine sent me this one day and I saved it to read over and over again when I get lost in thought of where my life is leading to. It grounds me some and makes me remember what is important in my life and what I should be doing to enjoy it!!

Thanks Vic!

From: Vic
Sent: Wednesday, June 10, 2009 8:09 AM
To: robert
Subject: Your Greatest Risk

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Your Greatest Risk
by Alexander Green

Dear Reader,

Ask someone what he or she wants out of life and you’re likely to hear a familiar litany: a great job, a loving family, a nice home, a comfortable retirement and so on.

But what are you living for? Of all the things you might pursue in life, which is the most valuable?

“Most people have trouble naming this goal,” writes William B. Irvine, Professor of Philosophy at Wright State University. “They know what they want minute by minute or even decade by decade during their life, but they have never paused to consider their grand goal in living. It is perhaps understandable that they haven’t. Our culture doesn’t encourage people to think about such things; indeed, it provides them with an endless stream of distractions so they won’t ever have to. But a grand goal in living is the first component of a philosophy of life. This means that if you lack a grand goal in living, you lack a coherent philosophy of life.”

There was a time when great thinkers sought to answer these questions. But no longer.

Modern philosophy has evolved into a specialized academic discipline that pursues arcane questions of no real interest to the general public. When was the last time you read or heard anything from a living philosopher?

Yet the ancient Greek and Romans obsessed over these questions. They strove to learn what was most important and how to achieve it. In sum, they wanted to discover how best to live.

Their answers evolved into stoicism, a philosophy that is not widely understood today.

The word stoic is used to describe someone unmoved by joy or grief, someone without passion. Yet that is not the stoic philosophy.

Stoicism is about pursuing a life that is both meaningful and fulfilling. It’s about healing the inevitable suffering in life – and achieving tranquility.

How is this done? Ancient stoic philosophers advised:

* Contemplating the transitory nature of the world around you

* Living in the present without fear of the future

* Banishing negative emotions

* Living according to your own nature

* Pursuing virtue

* Seeking courage and wisdom

* Living simply and frugally

* Mastering desire, to the extent that it is possible to do so

Sounds simple enough. But that’s deceptive, really. These tenets require work.

Living in the present without fear of the future, for instance, may seem impossible when we consider all the sad and tragic news that surrounds us.

Yet the stoic philosopher Epictetus reminds us that most worldly events are beyond our control. What disturbs our minds then is not the events themselves but merely our judgments about them.

And we can change these.

After all, there is little you can do to stop nuclear proliferation, global warming, the specter of terrorism, or The Great Recession. Yes, you can speak your mind, cast your vote, organize.

But worry? That solves nothing.

Likewise, the stoic advice to live simply and frugally could have saved millions of Americans who overreached a ton of heartache in recent years.

Limiting your material desires and craving for luxury enables you to save and invest more of your after-tax income. Paradoxically, the shortest route to financial freedom is to fight the acquisitive instinct and the desire to appear wealthy.

Too many imagine that if they just earn enough they can finally fulfill – and ultimately eliminate – their desires.

Yet nothing ever does. New desires spring up to take the place of old ones.

Recognize this and at least you can make honest choices in your life.

This point was made more than two thousand years ago in a well-known dialogue between Alexander the Great and the Greek philosopher
Diogenes:

Alexander: Diogenes, you are a man of great repute. Yet you spend your days untroubled, unperturbed, indulging in conversation and the pleasures of life.

Diogenes: Tell me what is so much better about the life of Alexander the Great?

Alexander: I am a conqueror of nations!

Diogenes: So, conqueror of nations, what are you going to do next?

Alexander: I will conquer Greece!

Diogenes: Yes… then what?

Alexander: I will conquer Asia Minor!

Diogenes: Alright… then what?

Alexander: I will conquer the rest of the world!

Diogenes: And then?

Alexander: Then… I plan to relax and enjoy life.

Diogenes: So why not relax and enjoy it now?

He must have made an impression. The great conqueror once remarked, “Were I not Alexander, I would be Diogenes.”

Diogenes lived according to his own nature, caring little for reputation, luxury or material possessions. Few would subscribe to his brand of extreme asceticism. But at least he had philosophy of life – and lived it.

Most of us never take the time to consider our grand goal. Instead, we choose society’s default position: the pursuit of affluence, social status and pleasure.

The problem with doing what everyone else is doing, however, is that you may mislive.

Instead of pursuing and enjoying what matters most, you could wake up one day to find that confusion and distraction have caused you to squander your one precious life.

And who really wants to take that risk?

Carpe Diem,

Alex

I am not so sure as to exactly why Alexander Graham Bell invented the phone, but I am quite sure, that he didn’t think people would be wearing them like an article of clothing.

I remember when my dad purchased and placed in use our “family” answering machine. Everyone practically stood around staring at it waiting for the phone to ring so we could see how it worked. As kids we would rush home to “check the machine” for messages that we would have from missed calls. It was also great for dinner time when believe it or not everyone had to be at the table and no one was allowed to answer a ringing phone. Now my dad, who set the rules back then, is probably the first one to jump from the table to answer a phone call. Go figure!

Out with the old and in with the new. From tape machines to digital to voice mail, email  and now texting, we have become a nation too much in touch. There are phones everywhere you look. We even have laws now that are in place to protect us because people have to be told when too much phone use is enough. In movie theatre’s we have short skits to remind us how rude it is to hear phones ringing and someones conversation while we are trying to watch a movie.  But even with that, we found a way around ringing phones, we developed texting. We just have so much to talk about!!!

I used to find it funny how some people had phones installed in the bathrooms of the home, so they wouldn’t miss answering the phone even when nature called. Now, there are some who don’t have wired phones at all, in their homes. Just a cell phone.  One phone does it all.

So how did we become a nation of people who can not be out of reach no matter where they are? What has become so important that people wear a blue tooth device like its an accessory? I remember doctors wearing beepers because they could stay in touch in case of an emergency. Somehow that made sense to me, but the blue tooth on a real estate agent in a funeral home, I just don’t get it.

I figure I am just an old fashioned guy, trying to hold on to the simpler things in life and somehow gadgets like these just keep getting in my way. Cell phones, like most technology, were supposed to make our lives simpler, less complicated and give us more quality time to spend doing the things we enjoy. Like with most technology, that just doesn’t happen. We become more dependant on these gadgets and our work days no longer end at eight hours. In the past, at ten o’clock at night, no one would call you. It was just unheard of unless it was an emergency. Then we got voicemail so they could call and leave a message. Now we have email and texting so phones don’t have to ring ( although you still might hear” you’ve got mail” during the episode of House your watching ) anymore and you can still get your message to someone. And that’s really not the bad part. The bad part is that we answer the emails and texts late at night as if it is a matter of life and death.  So in reality we are never out of touch. No one can wait until the next business day anymore to deal with business, because it is now being done at times when we used to relax and unwind after a long days work. Isn’t life just grand.

I use a cell phone and I can see the good in having one. I especially think its great when your on the road and break down in your car. Couple a cell with AAA and you have a lifesaving tool at hand. I also know when enough is enough and I can shut my phone off and not worry that someone is trying to call. I like to put an end to the day and not answering a call is one way I do it. I still fight the good fight in hopes that I can have my “simpler life”,  so if I don’t answer my phone, please leave a message at the beep……..

The Regular Guy

Does anyone ever have ten items or less in this line? Not when they are in front of me.

I have a suggestion: How about a line that is ten items or less, cash and men only.

Talk about a jackpot!

Q: What time is it when your doctor says you have high blood pressure?

A: My guess was “it’s P90x time!”

As every regular guy knows, age tends to make us less of a man in some places and more of a man in others. Unless you have worked out your whole life up to this point, then your body has become somewhat less desirable and fit. Reaching your forties has a way of reminding you of that every day.

Being somewhat of an A- type personality ( used to be an A+ but figured I needed to slow it down some), I tend to carry too much stress, along with an extra 20-30 pounds I picked up over the years.But unlike most regular guys I hang out with, I thought I kept myself looking pretty good. Although I did have those pounds attached to me at my mid point, I still got around really well as compared to my friends and most other men I encountered that were in my age group.

Now I was faced with an older mans disease . Hell, all I ever hear from older guys is something to do with the high blood pressure or the cholesterol medicine that they are taking. There is something that makes us refuse to believe that this will happen to us. But the truth is we create this mess when we are in our teens. Our metabolism is set on high and we eat everything we can get our hands on. Then in college we start drinking and staying out late and eating bacon cheeseburgers at 2 am. That is really not a good start on the long road of life we have ahead of us. So after years of abusing our bodies, we all wait for the news that its time to adjust our lifestyles and eating habits. Unfortunately at this stage, our insides are probably too far gone to correct the plaque and mess we have made of our arteries. Our blood pressure though, we still may control.

At this point in my life, I know that I have to take better care of myself. Lets face it we all know what is good for us and what isn’t. It’s just a matter of putting in the time to make better choices for our body. So when my doctor told me he was giving me a month to try to get my pressure down, but believed that I would be on meds anyway, it pissed me off enough to make me face up to the fact that it was time to make better choices.

I hate gyms! Other than looking at girls in tight workout clothing, I hate going to a gym. Muscles are cool, but I can’t get that motivated to sign away a year of my money in hopes that I will stay focused enough to continue going to a gym 3-4 days a week. So I was faced with the dilemma of how to get a workout and not sign a contract.

Although I have never been an athlete on any level, I have stayed in pretty good condition by not overeating my way into sweat pants oblivion. I have always refused to own a pair of sweat pants because once you start wearing them, it becomes easier to overeat. Hey those things stretch out four waist sizes before you need a bigger pair. So armed with my trusty Wrangler jeans, I have never been more than a 36 inch waist size. Not good, but definitely not that bad either.

In my younger days I became a fan of the Martial Arts. I tried the traditional Karate classes and reached a certain level of success through colored belts but I found that the spiritual and way of life part of the Martial Artist was what attracted me to it. I found that the balance a true Martial Artist had in his life was really what I was seeking. Nothing in extreme, but everything in moderation. Simplicity. Calmness. Things that were not so easy to find in my upbringing and in life itself, but things I could use at this point of my life.

I needed a plan and I knew what I had to do but wasn’t quite sure how to do it. I needed a workout, something that was cardio and also weight resistance training. I needed to eat better. Make better choices but not a diet. And most important, I needed relief from the stress in my life.

Enter P90x. This program is designed to help you reach every goal that you need to get your  life to a better place. This program gives you cardio and weight training workouts, along with some Martial Arts and Yoga. You can also follow along with its nutrition plan to help you make better choices with the things you put in your body. And best of all you do it at home with no monthly gym fees and contracts.

My goals were simple. Eat better. Exercise. Calm my mind and body. Ninety days to a better me. After one month, my weight was down ten pounds and my blood pressure was normal again. My doctor wanted to see me again in six months to make sure this wasn’t  a fluke. His disbelief in me from the start was the fuel I needed to get my ass going in the right direction so the fact that he still didn’t believe only made me more hungry for success.

It has been fourteen weeks since I began my program. I now eat smaller meals and snacks, five or six times a day. I eat carbohydrates in moderation and no sweets or heavy meals during the week. A glass of red wine every night with dinner. Weekends I have dessert or maybe a dinner out with friends. Never two bad days in a row. The most important change is that I pay attention to everything I put in my body now as opposed to before, when I knew what I was putting in but didn’t care. I worked out six days a week for fourteen weeks (one extra week than the program because of missed days, holidays, illness etc..) but now I work out every other day unless I am motivated I will do extra cardio on an off day. This is the hard part of my new lifestyle. Trying to fit an hour workout in everyday can be difficult. Things get in the way all the time but now I make it a priority to take care of myself first.

In the last fourteen weeks, I have lost more than twenty pounds without dieting, recovered lost strength and found the sense of calmness in my life that was missing.

This is in no way an endorsement for P90x but just a means to a way I found to get me back to a better place in my life. P90x alone won’t do this for you. This has to come from inside. This was from an angry person inside me who just had enough with the way my life was going. Funny thing is, we all have this person inside that knows right from wrong but something keeps it hidden, buried away from us until the time is right. You just have to look at yourself in the mirror and be honest. Stop making excuses for who and what you are and get busy. One day at a time. Always just one day at a time. Never look past the next day. Start with just one day at a time. It makes it easier to accomplish your goal if you stay focused on just the present day.

In life we are given opportunities to make changes. Sometimes those changes are very clear to us and are easy to accomplish. Sometimes they are clear to us but for some reason we can’t get ourselves on track to make those changes. Maybe for me, being an A type personality, it was a little easier because I always look for a challenge to keep me going. When I have nothing to challenge me, I get bored or disinterested. I guess my high blood pressure was the challenge I needed to put me on a path to a better me……

The Regular Guy…

I don’t talk much. Some people think I am aloof. Most people think I am in a bad mood. Alot of people think I don’t like them. Truth is, I don’t say much unless I feel it nescessary and quite frankly, no one usually cares enough to listen anyway!!!!

I have learned in my life that it is better to be a good listerner than it is to be a good talker. I have learned more listening than I ever will from talking. The problem is most people today don’t find anyone interesting enough to listen to before they talk.

We have become a society of people who care more about what they have to say than what the the other person does. I find it not only rude but frustrating.

The very worse case I have witnessed recently came at a training seminar I attended for Mediation. A woman therapist spoke for approximately 30 minutes and then gave the floor to the next speaker. During the time that the gentleman was speaking, no less than five times did she interrupt him to give her opinion. At one point she stole the floor from him. This woman had her own agenda and she was going to push it all day no matter whose turn it was to speak.

I come from a family of what Seinfeld would probably call “over-talkers”. You know them as the friend who never lets you finish a sentence. Or the employee who always finishes your sentence for you and doesn’t come close to what you were trying to say.

When did this happen. As a kid I would be scolded for such rude behavior and now it is commonly accepted. It is a standing joke between two friends of mine and myself, how they never let me finish a sentence. Worse yet is when they ask me a question and don’t bother to listen to the answer but turn away in the middle of it. My wife and I now continue talking to people who look away but we change the subject to something tragic like ” and then I cut my finger to the bone and had to have it stitched and blah blah”. At some point the person usually turns their attention back to us  without a clue as to what we are talking about. Pretty funny stuff.

So what is it with people that can’t shut their pie hole long enough for someone to answer their question? What makes people talk over someone in conversation? I think the reason is two fold. First, most people tell me that they think they will forget what they are going to say next so they blurt it out. Second, they lost their ability to listen. Everyone is in such a rush today that taking time to listen to someone slows their day down. They already know what you are going to say so why not move on. Or better yet, they have a similar story that they can’t wait to tell you. Another Seinfeld moment. “the one upper”. Oh yeah everyone knows one of these people. Always found the blouse cheaper, or their kid gets better grades, or they have a different model television that is better than yours.Anything you say they have a story just like it but better.At least they think its better.

So everyone just chill! Believe it or not, if you take the time to listen to what someone else has  to say you might find what you think you wanted to say might change.And maybe you just may learn something about that person you didn’t know.

I love to listen. I love to listen because no one else is and I hear everything. Being a Mediator, I do however have an unfair advantage,. Yes, being a Mediator I am trained to listen to what people have to say. That is how I have become so quiet and such a good listener. I am grateful for that training because people say very interesting things if you let them. And, if you really listen to people they will notice and pay more attention to what you have to say when it’s your turn to speak.

The best thing about not talking so much is that people notice. As I said in my opening paragraph, they form all sorts of ideas about me because I don’t talk as much as they think I should. Maybe they get some bad ideas about me but when I do talk, most of them listen very carefully. Probably because they are in shock when I do. Plus not talking so much keeps them guessing about what I am really like. It sort of gives me the upper hand in a weird way.  This way I figure that when I do say something maybe, just maybe,they will listen……Can you hear me now????

Today was supposed to be a day of friends and riding motorcycles. Planned for just a week or so and anxious to get one of the last good days for riding in, we all met on time and were ready to roll. Today, as it turned out, was the saddest day of my life.

People are always saying how short life is. How your here one day and gone the next. How many times have we heard this and how many times do you really pay attention or understand  what that means. Today I found out exactly what it means….

The day started out great. The weather was just what we expected, cool and clear and lots of sunshine. The eight of us met early and started out for Frenchtown NJ, which is a scenic ride along the Delaware River. Everything was going fine, and then it happened.

From my mirror I could see the motorcycle handlebars shaking back and forth and the bike veering out of control. The next thing I remember is a cloud of dust and the bike crashing into the guardrail. It was all, as they say, surreal. I remember screaming “Oh my God, he’s going to crash” or maybe I was thinking it. I can’t remember the details because it seemed like ten minutes in the making but only seconds in reality. A chill came over me instantly and instinct took over. I remember looking again in my mirror to see that the person behind me was aware that I was stopping my bike. Everything happens so fast and yet it seems as though you are watching it through someone else’s eyes.

I was the second person to reach him. My Uncle was the first. We stood there in disbelief that this was happening but remained as calm as possible and checked to see if he had a pulse. His body laid there limp and lifeless, one leg over the guardrail and one twisted under his body. He wasn’t bleeding except for the small amount that exited his mouth with his last breath.

I will never be able to explain how this feels. I have played it over and over in my head for what seems to be a hundred times. My eyes began to tear up as I stood there and waited for the Police and EMT’s. My Uncle came to me and hugged me. I am crying now as I write this.

This man, who I and most of the six other guys, just met today, had died before our eyes. Five minutes earlier we shared words at a gas station and now he was gone. As I stood there over him, I couldn’t help but think how it could have been any one of us that this happened to. I also felt some relief that it wasn’t because I don’t know how I could have kept it together if it had been. I thought about how his family would feel when they learned that he wouldn’t be coming home. How life was taken from him in an instant and he never got the chance to say  good bye to the people he cared about. How he died in front of seven guys he hardly knew but whose lives would be forever changed because of it.

We were all so shaken up, some including me, more than others but as the day progressed it was very evident that we had all been changed by this. The sight replays over and over in my mind and the thoughts of how ” he was here five minutes earlier” makes it harder to comprehend. It is now clear to me what that phrase means. The impact from witnessing it makes me understand just how fast life can be taken away from a person. Even though I was there I feel as if I had just watched a movie and that it couldn’t have happened. We don’t know what happened to him but we all believe that he had a heart attack or stroke and died before his bike crashed. The way in which his bike traveled and with no skid marks, we could only surmise that he was unconscious when he lost control. Looking back on it all, it was probably the best thing that he was because he didn’t feel a thing.

I didn’t know him at all and maybe in some way it is better that I didn’t, but I do feel a need  to say goodbye to him. I will make the effort to be at his funeral so I can do just that. I am not a religious person although I do believe in God and Jesus Christ so tonight I will pray for him and his family.

After witnessing this, I understand how precious life is and just how fast it can be taken away. I hope that I can take something positive from this experience and make the best of the life I have. I hope that this image stays with me for life so that I am reminded everyday how lucky I am to have made it this far. And lastly I hope that he didn’t die for nothing but that everyone who was there today realizes just how short life really is…….